Dating 101: What if His Parents Don't Like You?
Love the guy, but his mom and dad are pretty much evil incarnate. Here are four easy steps for how to handle his frosty folks.
By Julie Suratt for Cosmopolitan Updated: Dec 4, 2008
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So
you've met Mr. Right, and everything is near perfect.
There's just one problem: Mama and Papa Right. Put simply, they don't
like you -- and they're not exactly shy about it. "Not only is it
unpleasant for you to have to spend time with these people, but you
also may worry that their disapproval could influence your guy's
feelings for you," says therapist Lee Schnebly, author of "Being Happy
Being Married."
So how do you get along
so it's not so awkward? We've come up with a plan to handle those
pain-in-the...er, we mean, his parents.
More Dating Tips from Cosmopolitan:
Step 1: Get Where They're Coming FromCome
on, how could anyone not love you? Well, experts say the most likely
explanation is fear. "There's an innate protective instinct to shut out
the 'intruder' who's invading their family," says Schnebly.
Also,
jealousy could be the issue. "His mom may feel that she's being
replaced," says Bree Allinson, PhD, author of "How to Deal with Your
Mother-in-Law." So reassure her that she's still number one by asking
her for advice on your guy (like how to cook his favorite
meal).
Another explanation: In many
cases, parents feel threatened if you come from a different background.
"Your values and religion may conflict with their own," says Allinson.
"They might worry that you'll influence their son." Without sacrificing
your beliefs, show that you're open to learning about theirs, so it's
clear that the two can coexist.
Step 2: Don't Try to Be Best FriendsYou
don't have to be buddy-buddy with his folks; you just have to get
along. In fact, if you're too eager to please, it could come across as
fake. On the other hand, don't act in awe of them. Avoid the urge to
force a familial relationship; these people are still essentially
strangers. "Think of them as equals, not superiors," advises Schnebly.
"You'll feel more at ease and really be yourself."
Step 3: Make It Clear You Care About HimParents'
main concern is their child's well-being, so they need reassurance that
you won't break their poor boy's heart. "They won't want to connect
with you if they think you're not there to stay," says Leonard Felder,
PhD, author of "Wake Up or Break Up." Some suggestions: Hold his hand,
kiss his cheek, or share a story about how he made you laugh. Once they
know your feelings are authentic, they'll begin to trust
you.
Step 4: Last ResortIf
after all that, his parents are still being evil, stand up for
yourself. "If you refuse to be pushed around, they'll show you the
respect that you deserve," says therapist Susan Forward, PhD, author of
"Toxic In-Laws." The next time they're rude, Forward suggests saying,
"Look, I don't ask that you love me, but I'd like it if we could at
least be civil." Lay down the law now, because if you decide to marry
this guy, the problems are only going to escalate.
Bonus: How to Wow His 'RentsThese three phrases will help you dazzle his mom and dad:
"I've
heard such great things about you!" This surefire line
not only butters up his parents but makes your sweetie look good
too.
"What was he like
as a kid?" Get them chatting about their all-time
favorite subject -- their son -- and they'll be too distracted to
notice you nervously biting your nails.
"It
was so nice of you to invite me to your home/to
dinner." Saying thank you shows that you're a girl
with manners and lets them know how honored you are to be
included.
Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.
More Dating Articles from Cosmopolitan:More Dating Tips:- Dating 101: Will Your Guy Cheat on You?
- Dating 101: Are Bad Dating Habits Keeping You Single?
- Six Dating Behaviors That Scare Single Men Away
- Dating Myth or Truth? Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater
- Debunking the Dating Scarcity Myth
- What's Behind the Trend of Women Dating Younger Men?

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